Well, yesterday I skipped posting; it's the first day I’ve skipped since starting this new challenge, but I do have a good reason: We had a party for my mother-in-law's 70th birthday!

There was a lot of preparation to do and kids to take care of, so I didn't really end up having time to myself until it was quite late, around 11 pm. I was actually going to write something since I wasn't yet that sleepy, but then decided it was best for my mental health to just go to sleep. I have no real obligation with these posts besides what I take on myself, so there's no reason to force myself to do them beyond reason. Anyway, missing the post felt important enough that I had to write this short justification.

Another thing I was thinking is that trying to reach my goal of ~700 words per post is hurting me. I came to this conclusion after reflecting on my last post and realized that much of the "convolution" springs from trying to reach a word goal-trying to squeeze in as many words as possible-rather than from a desire to properly communicate something. Because of this, I've decided to drop the length requirement for these posts :) I still pretty much get to around 700 words anyway since I always end up writing multiple sections (e.g. the "thoughts" section, or sharing some pics or whatnot).

Anyway... enough bookkeeping.

The other day I had an interesting experience during meditation1 that is making me see the origin of my "negative feelings" in a new light.

During this experience I found myself with the usual calmness, but also with a sense of "safety" and "peace" that I'd never really noticed before. It felt like everything was alright, and I was totally safe. I also noticed I didn't feel any of that low-intensity overarching stress that is one of the hallmarks of my day-to-day experience.

I had the "insight"2 that many, if not all, of our negative thoughts come from feeling that we're not "safe" in one way or another. They come from some kind of fear for ourselves and things we're attached to. The tricky part is that this fear can be very, very subtle.

For example, a high-level (gross) fear might be the fear I have of social rejection. I sometimes feel unsafe in social situations, which makes my mind start to produce thoughts of "separation" between me and the other-an attempt to protect myself from this perceived danger. These thoughts usually reinforce my ego while at the same time alienating those around me (which is curious if you think about it; the desire for union is actually causing separation).

On the other hand, lower-level (subtle) fears are usually hard to catch, as they don't have a lot of "energy," in the sense that (at least for me) they are more part of my mind's background rather than showing up in the foreground. But still, they're there.

An example of a subtle fear might be what I experience when I'm with my kids and I fear I won't get time for my own thoughts, for my own person. This again creates thoughts of resentment and (again) separation.

Another, more universal, example of a subtle fear is that general sense of stress that we all3 carry around all the time. It's that sense that things are not "satisfying." That general feeling of wrongness that permeates our usual existence. Again, it's very subtle and usually not noticeable. This gives rise to similar (background) thoughts of frustration with life and often even helplessness.

I'm sure we each have our own specific things that make us feel unsafe, but there are some others that I would say are universal. For example, the obvious fear of death, the fear of discomfort and pain, and the fear of fear itself.

All of these, of course, also apply to things we care about. If someone I know is having a hard time or is in a dangerous situation, then I will feel unsafe for their sake.4

(right now I have the underlying fear of not making sense in this post, or coming across as "know it all")

An interesting thing to note is that all of these fears, if left to grow, will eventually develop into hatred for the perceived cause of our unsafety, or they will develop into general anger if the cause is not easily identified. (A corollary is that if our fear is rooted in desire for something, then everything that keeps us from that something will be seen with frustration/anger.)

The worst part of these is that these thoughts are self-perpetuating! The mind will naturally ruminate on the thing that's causing us to feel threatened, and the problem is that, more often than not, we can do nothing about it! These thoughts will just feed each other in an unending chain that might never end if left to itself (thankfully we have life to distract us from our problems).

For example, again take the social anxiety: if there's a specific person in the group that's making me uncomfortable, then I will find my mind constantly producing unfriendly thoughts and fantasies about that person, but really there's no way for me to do anything about it. Or if there's no person, then my mind will fabricate fantasies of loathing toward myself, thoughts of inadequacy (you know, the usual).

Anyway... I find this framework for understanding negative thoughts to be interesting and thus far useful. I've had a couple of days to apply it in my own life, and more often than not I'm able to pinpoint exactly what's making me feel threatened.

(I've also had the chance to observe a couple of angry people in conversation, and framing their anger through this framework helped me be more compassionate toward them.)

Of course, knowing the source helps, but it's never so easy as that. Just understanding won't necessarily remove the problem itself. What I'm doing is trying to relax into feeling safe once more by "sinking" into it, though sometimes I need to distract myself with something else before this works (e.g. stop the rumination).

It helps a bit.

Thinking:

  • Ever since I started these wordvomits, I've never added any social media post about them. Before, I always used to "syndicate" my posts to Mastodon/Bluesky. I'm not even sending notifications about them to the few folks who subscribed directly via email!
    • I know I said I didn't care about spamming, but sending emails about my wordvomits feels like a whole other level of spam.
    • Also, I'm currently very put off by social media in general and would prefer not to have anything to do with it.
  • Maybe that's why alcohol and weed etc. are so popular? They make us feel good, but more than anything, they also make us feel safe (by proxy).

Footnotes

  1. I usually don't like to talk about my meditation practice, but I think this is relevant. I wouldn't say I'm a good meditator, but every once in a while I have a good session. I usually write these thoughts in my own journal, but since they're generic (i.e., not personal) I thought I could share them here and kill two birds with one stone :) writing here also gives me a chance to work through them more comprehensively rather than just "noting them down". ↩

  2. This is a pretty recent "insight." I still haven't had the chance to explore more fully if this actually applies to everything or not, but for now I feel it does. ↩

  3. Well, maybe it's not everyone that feels like this. But the few people I've talked to about this also say they feel a general "dissatisfaction" with life. Though we're all folks prone to depression, so maybe that's where this comes from? Anyway, the positive aspect of this is that it's a great motivator for looking at life (and our minds) more closely. ↩

  4. An interesting thought here is that we fear for them because we're attached to them, and either we fear how our relationship may change (or end), or we fear any repercussions that whatever they're doing might bring to ourselves. ↩