( ... I'm noticing I'm starting to care about "standards" on these posts. Whenever I check my little green notebook for ideas, I almost always ask myself "but will I be able to write a good enough post about this?". Standards are not good. Must. Not. Give. In. ... )

I'm writing this post partly as an answer to a post (and an email) from Noahie, in which he goes on to say that people tend to use pseudonyms because they "care" about what others might think of what they write, and how not giving a shit protects you from this. I entirely agree with this, though I think there's more to it.

Ever since first reading his post in December, I've been reflecting on this and what "more" there is, exactly. I've been wondering why I write here under the name of Meadow rather than my real name, and why I've used a pseudonym for virtually every sort of publication I've ever done.

I don't think I've landed on a complete answer yet, but I do have some more feeling for this, at least enough to give a proper follow-up to his post.

For me, a pseudonym is freeing, yes, as Noahie says, but not because it protects me from others' opinions. Rather, a pseudonym protects me from myself. You see, in my real self I see some self-shame and disgust for who I am1. I didn't want to bring all of that to my blog. Instead, I used a pseudonym, which gives me the chance to reinvent myself as I want to be.

A pseudonym is a blank slate. Not only does no one know who you are, but you yourself don't really know either. You can be whoever you want! Or you can take the archaeological route and discover that persona slowly, unearthing what they value and care for little by little, word by word.

I did a bit of the two, I think. Originally, I knew Meadow had to embody the main things I cared for, even though I wasn't exactly clear myself about what those were. But many of the things that Meadow ended up being actually started emerging on their own the more I wrote. Especially these past few months that I've been writing more frequently and about more varied topics, I feel like my appreciation for who "Meadow" is has grown substantially.

Still, "Meadow" is just a character. This blog is like a book, a story that I write where a fictitious persona posts random musings every once in a while. He is me, but I'm not him, if you get my meaning. There are many parts of me that never make their way into this blog. Especially things I don't care for that much-negative thought patterns, my sporadic anger at small things, outdated ideas, many of my fears. Everything I write is as authentic as I can make it, but much of it is cherry-picked2, and I think that's fine. After all, this is something I do just for fun :) I like to write the things I imagine myself enjoying reading, in as human a way as possible.

I've frequently spoken about how eventually I'll need to integrate this "Meadow" persona with my main ego. I think the process is actually quite well underway since I first spoke about it. Actually, it was in Noahie's email where he gave me an excellent suggestion: "treat this blog/persona as a project rather than as a separate entity". This provided enough of a switch of perspective that I was able to see that "Meadow" is already me, just a part that I was cultivating into something I aspired to be, and by that same act I saw I was capable of being that person (if I cultivate Meadow to be better, then all those better feelings and ideas are mine as well, as he is me, so I'm also better).

It's great to have such a "role model," and as I mentioned above, lately I've been seeing many of his qualities percolating into my day-to-day life. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I've been writing publicly about my ideas, problems, and interests, and that's an excellent way to work through whatever stuff you need to go through. But there's also a bit more of this "aspirational" sense of wanting to be better. It's been a great motivation for trying to live my life more intently rather than just let its currents carry me where they will.

I no longer think of "Meadow" as a separate entity anymore, even though there was a time when I did. Now it's more of a mask, but I know who I am underneath. Maybe that means that Meadow has risen to a new life? Or maybe he was never alive to begin with and I was just confused (Noahie's suggestion)?

Regardless, being able to moonlight as someone else has been extremely helpful in seeing what I'm able to do when I drop my limitations, and in so doing there's a path to being this person I want to be.

Footnotes

  1. It's been getting better over these past few years, if I have to be honest, and curiously enough I think it's BECAUSE I've been able to explore my identity through the alternate lens of "Meadow". ↩

  2. As I assume many (most?) online publications are, by necessity. I don't care for writing things I'm not excited about, and I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy reading about them. ↩