We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.

~ Kurt Vonnegut (Mother Night)

Recently, I've come to realize how easily we humans tend to stagnate as we get older.

I see my kids, and all they do is run around doing "as dangerous as possible" things. They constantly put themselves in different and exciting (dangerous) situations. I feel that, for them, being safe is almost boring1.

Kids constantly push limits; that's what they like to do and what they're supposed to be doing, as it helps them better understand how the world around them works. But for some reason, there tends to come a time in a person's life when we just ... stop? We stop testing boundaries, get complacent, and eventually stop growing and stagnate. And we must not let it happen!

Maybe what's going on is that, as we get older, we tend to worry more about the status quo, about what others think, and about respecting norms. It might be that this "respect of balance" arises as a counterpressure to our desire to explore, but in some cases, it can entirely move the needle the other way. Or maybe it's simpler than that, in that we achieve a state where we feel safe and content, so there's no longer any need to search outside it. Maybe this space we find ourselves in is bereft of danger and discomfort, so there's no need to do anything about it.

Independent of the reason for others, I clearly see within myself that it's very easy for me to enter a safe state and do whatever I can to stay there. That's the reason why I sometimes don't feel like going on trips, meeting people (even longtime friends), or am, in general, against anything that threatens my routine. If it "works well", then I want to keep it the same. Maintain the status quo. However, every time I'm forced outside my bubble, I realize how much I was just drifting in space, not opening myself to new experiences, not doing anything to seize life.

If we let them, our minds will atrophy. They will become machines, doing the bare minimum to keep us alive and somewhat moderately satisfied. Society tends to push us to accept this sense of safety and conformity, and it's dangerous, with many of us falling into this trap over and over again. But I don't see this as an "evil of society", it's more an expression of the innate human tendency to stay within the bounds, to respect the status quo both outside ourselves and within us.

So how do we get out of this cage we've put ourselves in? We all know that we ourselves hold the key, but where is the door? How do we use it? To be honest, I don't know, but what works for me is to chase discomfort. It seems counterintuitive, but I think discomfort is the way in which our mind tells us where the walls are closing in, where we need to push back. Discomfort is our jailer; it is us telling ourselves to stay put. Discomfort is also the intuitive perception of where adventure lies. In some ways, adventure, discomfort, and discovery are all one and the same2.

Exiting the cage entirely might be out of our reach right now for most of us, but its walls can definitely be pushed back. Every time we do something that we're uncomfortable with, the space we're in expands a tiny fraction.

Thoughts:

  • As a side idea, I think there's a strong connection between being complacent and attached to our complacency (e.g., avoid discomfort) and how much we focus on ourselves versus others. I think that a "tighter cage" makes for someone who's more self-centered, and a "wider cage" is someone who's more open and receptive. It makes sense if you think about it; someone who's constantly worrying about discomfort will, by definition, be thinking mostly about themselves. Maybe this is something that might benefit from its own post.

Footnotes

  1. An interesting observation here is that they enjoy these "daring games" as long as it's them deciding to play them, rather than finding themselves in an uncomfortable situation they don't control. Makes sense; I think we as adults are also the same, though we tend to go all the way into safety and lose our sense of play and daring adventure. ↩

  2. Of course, here I'm talking about "discomforting life activities", not "discomfort" as in sleeping standing up. Though even this can be an interesting source of discovery and definitely would make for an interesting story! I'm actually hard-pressed to come up with an example of "discomfort" that wouldn't lead to personal growth. ↩