Woah, this is the twentieth wordvomit in a row! I have to say I'm proud of myself :) though it really hasn't felt that hard at all. Some days it's easy and posts just flow. In 30 min I'm up and done with the whole thing. Other days I spend all day thinking about it and then end up writing a half-assed "something" late in the afternoon. Most days, however, are an in-between: it's hard to start, but once I do, things just fall into place.
What surprises me the most is that the time between post #1 and post #10 felt much longer than the time between #10 and #20! Maybe this means that I'm getting used to the structure and schedule I'm creating for myself? Or maybe I just think less about it as a special part of my day, and now it's more something that I "just do".
Though I still struggle. As I said, often it's really hard to start. In fact, as I write this right now, I really have no idea what I'm going to talk about. This is probably not very fun for you to read, but oh well, it's an opportunity to remind myself that I do these vomits mostly for myself, not so much to gather "glory and riches".
...
Yesterday I published a throwback post, and this morning I was kind of demotivated by it. That older "Janus" post actually wasn't that bad at all. In some ways I felt it was nicer and better structured than my usual posts nowadays.
After spending a bit of the morning in a gloomy mood, it occurred to me that this is fine. Of course my current "vomit-style" posts are a lot less structured, as I (1) don't plan them beforehand and (2) don't stick to single topics. There's also the fact that the old post is edited and polished, while these vomits are usually published with just minor grammar fixes, without any real reordering or removal of superfluous words. They are "served raw", still squiggling.
Later, a more impactful realization followed: at the time I wrote the Janus piece, I was also very insecure and "unhappy" with my writing. I was actually much more doubtful of my value and quality as a person than I am today, and that's perhaps a reason I put so much work into making that post polished and nice, and more than anything, "safe".
These vomits are not "safe", in the sense that there's plenty of stuff people would not find interesting to read (like this current vomit) or that might actually seem insulting (though I assure you no insult is meant). Some things might appear downright stupid.
Another important difference is that in these vomits you "see me," while in the Janus piece (and many of my other posts of the time) all you see is a facade-the desire of someone to communicate and connect but who lacks the guts to do so. Hell, you could probably even use some of the contents of my current blog to blackmail me1.
So in some ways these newer sorts of posts are better. They might be less polished, but at the same time they're also more authentic, I guess, and on average I would expect that at least some of them are fun for others to read.
Thoughts:
- Every day I'm more convinced to make these vomits part of my main post feed2. Perhaps when I get back home I'll make the necessary changes to my site's code.
- My commonplace notebook is turning out to be extremely useful! I have three or so pages of ideas (short bullet points) about things I think it would be neat to write about. The problem is that often (like today) I don't feel sure enough in myself to just pick a topic and write, and instead end up writing about my insecurities and whatnot.
- I like to think this variation is nice and might show a bit more of my actual self than would otherwise come through.
- I also like to think that someday (maybe) my sons will read this and see that their dad was also full of insecurities and things he was constantly (ad nauseam) working through.
Today my sister in law took us to a beach that had very strong rip currents, and had an appropriately battered warning sign.
Footnotes
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Just kidding. I don't give a shit. But I still prefer to remain anonymous, thank you very much. Recently I got an email from Noahie, and he shared some great suggestions and views on pseudonymity. To be honest I agree with all that he says, but I think there's also more to it than that. I might do an answer post soon (Noahie, if you're reading this, I WILL answer your email!) ↩
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Heh, I actually wrote
drug feedhere and then had to delete and rewrite. I guess a Freudian slip on my part? Maybe I subconsciously consider myself cigarettes? ↩