Whatever are the important things?
I wanted to try my hand at what I'm calling freestyle stream of consciousness. It's a bumpier version of stream of consciousness, presented to you raw and unedited.
This is an entry on my private journal from a couple of days ago. I found the style interesting and thought it would make for a fun blog post.
Another day, another journal entry. I've been telling myself I shouldn't use these as a low-effort dump yard, so now I'm hesitant about what to write. The real problem is that lately I tend to just enumerate the things that happened to me during the day. I think the key word here is enumerate, and has the connotation of devoid of emotion or importance.
So what is important? I shall embark myself on this journey, in stream of consciousness style!
Important...
Important is taking about your friends, gushing out about the Leica Q, going on at length about the last movie you saw, pouring out all your love and excitement about Picotron. Important is saying what you want to say, sharing and opening, exploring, shining the light in those dark places where you hardly dare visit, least the monster notices the open door and flees, locking you inside. Important is paying attention to where you walk, being mindful of every flower you trample on as you walk, knowing that it couldn't but have been otherwise. Important is being there. Really being there. That's all there is.
What then should I write to feel like I'm really there? Well, that's silly! I'm already here. This is what I should write. But then the question becomes what's the limit, where does it end.
It doesn't really. Especially not figurative prose. It's just an intermixing of stuff, on and on it goes. It never ends. That is, until you close the laptop's lid and tell yourself you're done for the day. Go to bed with the satisfaction of a job well done.
What am I getting at? Is there even a point here? No. There used to be one but there isn't anymore. Now it's just waves, the ebb and flow of the words giving more of a feeling than an actual sense.
An exploration in metric it is! In stringing a feeling through letters and hope the whole thing doesn't come tumbling down once you try and lift it up.
I'm sad about my dog, she's 6 years old, and three months ago started having infrequent seizures. The vet says she's probably got epilepsy and I'm not sure how to handle it or really what that means. He says we need to run more tests. But when? I feel like I'm just ignoring it sometimes. She seems happy though, and still runs in our backyard, up and down, up and down, as always.
Ah we're back. Back to what's important. Be here now. Be here now. Do I even need to write it down?
I've skipped meditation for the past two days. I've been feeling sick. But there's another reason, one I haven't really admitted myself, and that is that I feel like I haven't been doing a good job of it lately, not being able to relax as deeply, to focus wholly as I was before. Not sure why. But I know this is a toxic outlook to have on things, especially meditation. Setting goals changes the whole thing, the whole dynamic. In the mind, placebo is everything. There's nothing else really.
What we see, or better said, what we think we see is not really it. It's easy. Everyone can come to the conclusion with some reflection. We see only what our senses tell us. But ah! Where do we see the fantastical world coming from our sense perception? In our mind of course. We think we're seeing a world out there, but really it's in here. Always in here. Who knows what's really out there? Who knows what amazing things our senses are not picking up? Our instruments, which are just imitation of our senses, blind to blooming energetic discharges. Overlapping universes in a single room.
In such a maelstrom of madness, what is it that's really important then? What is it? Tell me!
In the absence of a clear point, of a safe harbor, of an anchor, stability must be constructed. And even if constructed it does not mean it's invaluable. Even if ultimately baseless it does not mean it cannot be a place where we can sit and rest and think. Be kind to yourself and to others, everything else is just fun and games, and everything that goes contrary to this just increases the energy of the storm.
Take a breath. Be here now. See you tomorrow.
~ 🌿