Apple tree, cherry blossom, orange tree, dermatologist.

…

Well, that last one seems pretty obvious. Tomorrow morning I have a dermatologist appointment, and it's stressing me out a bit.

I don't really have any reason to be worried; it's just a routine checkup, but still, doctors have always made me nervous. I also haven't gone to the dermatologist in a bit more than two years, so who knows what she's going to say!

(I'm actually not as nervous as I expected, which is a bit of a surprise.)

I don't know if I've spoken about it before (I think I might've mentioned it in passing), but ever since I can remember, I've been scared of doctors. Well, not doctors per se, but more the things that come with them: needles, tests, blood, being sick.

The fear is based on the fact that I always tend to faint whenever a needle is used on me. Thankfully, injections don't really bother me that much nowadays. I had the COVID vaccine not long ago and, while I did get woozy and was really nervous, I didn't end up fainting (also, all the nurses were really caring, even though none of them could believe I had this issue).

But blood tests are another matter. In my 30-ish years of life, I've done my absolute best to avoid them, and I think that I've gotten no more than two blood tests since I was ten! However, this is not sustainable. Especially as I get older, these things will become more common, and I'll need to face them soon. I try to think of my family and how taking care of myself is the same as taking care of them.

Sure, the dermatologist has no reason to order a blood test, so all good there. But she can tell me I need to remove a mole (of which I have many).

I've actually had one mole removed from my chest some years ago. It involved a local anesthesia injection and then the use of a bistoury. Surprisingly, I didn't faint, though I did get really close to it! Also surprisingly, this doesn't bother me as much as having blood drawn. How weird the mind is.

These past few days, I've been thinking about how we sometimes acquire an issue during childhood and, if it remains unresolved, then in adulthood we still face it with the same toolset and mindset that we had as a child.

Like, I'm sure that if this whole problem with doctors started now (in my adult life), then I would certainly tackle it in an entirely different way. Actually, I would relate to it totally differently.

Right now, whenever I think of doctors or tests or syringes, I get this sensation of paralyzing hopelessness, like there's nothing I can do about it: I can't escape, nor can I proceed forward.

This last is probably the whole “crux” of the matter. I believe this feeling of helplessness comes directly from my inner child. Here we can directly see how I still relate to this problem as a kid rather than as an adult. Why?

I once mentioned this to a therapist, and she suggested that I could try to comfort my inner child, tell him that I will take care of him, and be sure he’s safe. That seems to work a bit, but not quite entirely. It’s like my inner child is catatonic, unresponsive.

Or maybe I’m just trying to communicate with him in the wrong way. I’m trying to “analytically force” him to “behave as I want,” which of course never works with kids. As I know from my 3 y/o, it’s very hard to force him to do anything if he doesn’t see the reason for it, and sometimes the reason can’t be explained in analytical terms. Sometimes it needs to be explored through other media, like painting or reading a story.

(Maybe what I’m doing here, writing this post, is itself a different way to relate to the whole issue? I’ve journaled extensively about it in the past, but saying it to a “public” somehow feels different.)

Something that gives me hope is how little anxiousness I’m seeing in myself with respect to tomorrow’s visit. There is some, of course, but it’s well within manageable levels. It’s like, “I know I will go, and there is a chance that a procedure might happen, but I don’t expect it to.”

I think this last part is important. In the past, I’ve always expected the worst, but this time I’m actually expecting the best. Maybe it’s a sign that the whole situation is improving?

Well, enough rambling. I’ll let you know how it goes in tomorrow’s post.