Just because it’s all in your head doesn’t mean it’s not real
If you're anything like me, then you're frequently told by those around you something along the lines of "Oh, don't worry about it, it's all in your head" or perhaps the more common "You're imagining things." These people usually mean well when they give such advise; they're trying to help in their own way. My parents did this all the time while I was growing up, so much so that I ended up believing it. And sometimes, it's true. It could be that "that person" is not being mean to me because they don't like me, but rather because they're having a bad day in general. I get that, and I agree that sometimes (most of the time), we make up our own problems out of confusion, miscommunication, or ignorance.
But what about deeper, more pervasive scenarios?
What about depression, for instance? People who have never had to deal with their own depression frequently give advice like "Oh, I know what will make you feel better! Just be happy!" Bless them. It's like a non-smoker telling a smoker that the best way to quit is to just stop. And perhaps it is true that the best way to get out of it is to just "get out of it," but almost always the "way out" is not immediately obvious to the person who is "in," and they struggle to find it.
Then there are other people who use the common but utterly misguided strategy of making you feel bad about being sad. "I can't understand how you can be depressed when you have so many beautiful things in your life." Well, thank you; now I feel bad about not appreciating the things I have.
As anyone who has had to deal with it knows, depression is hard. It's not the same for everyone, though, and for some, it's easier to handle than for others. But I would say that for all, there comes a time when the way forward is obscured, and the only thing to do is trust in the golden adage "this too shall pass."1
Going back to the original goal of this post... Is my feeling of sadness "unreal" because it's inside of my head? Are my feelings of complete social inadequacy and misadaptation fake? Should knowing that they are fake make them go away and magically transform me into what I want to be? What about that feeling of being a worthless worm, lower than the lowest crawling, slimy, slithering things? Should I just be "ok with it" since it's "all in my head?"
No. Of course not. These are all real RIGHT NOW. Don't let anyone belittle your feelings; if you feel them, they're there, they're true. Know this: you're not broken because you feel things others don't.
Even though these feelings are true, they are by no means permanent. Moreover, you own these feelings, and they don't own you. Make them yours, and that's the way forward. Or at least, it has been for me in the past, many times.
It's not immediate, but I've noticed that if I'm going through a period of depression, I'm also seeing myself as the victim of my feelings and the universe—the "unfairness" of it all. Then I try to change how I relate to these feelings: rather than being a victim, rather than circumstances owning me, I own my own experience. It is still there, and the pain doesn't go away, but it allows me to relate to what's going on from a higher point of view. Instead of being inside the quagmire of chance and effect, I position myself outside it. And then, I write about it.
I write this in the hopes that it can be of help to my future self (and others) when I need it. Remember that the key to all of this is that it is true right now. This too shall pass.
Take care out there 🌻
Advice if you're struggling with depression, and have the energy to do so: write! Write! Write! Try to do Morning Pages if you can. It's the best way I've found to keep my own depression at bay, though it takes work.↩