Yesterday I mentioned how I've been feeling like I care more about these “vomits” after moving them over to my main blog. I've been thinking about it some more, and I realized that it's not that I care more about them; it's that I care about who will read them!

You see, not long ago I shared my blog with my wife and brother, as well as some close friends, and as much as I dislike admitting it, the idea that they will read what I write definitely puts an appreciable amount of friction in my whole writing process¹.

Sometimes I want to say things or express them in ways that I wouldn't usually do in my “normal” life. And it's not like I don't want them to know I have these opinions; it's more that my personality “in here” is not always the same as “out there,” and this creates a sense of dissonance.

Who am I when I'm writing on my blog? If I'm writing to unknown people, then I can be whoever I feel like being in the moment. But if I'm writing for people I know in person, then I'm much more likely to be my “waking self.” The fact that I sometimes express myself as “someone else” creates a sense of shame in me, even though there's no real reason for it.

I think this feeling has a basis in my social anxiety. By being “looser” with my words, mannerisms, and ideas, I’m also breaking free from many of the constraints I put on myself in social situations. When someone I know reads this stuff, I feel like they might think I’m acting “outside my allowed limits.” Of course, they don’t think that; this is more me just inhibiting myself so as not to get thrown out of the cave.

But it's really more than that. It's interesting that I have two different "identities." From a psychological point of view (I'm no expert, though), I would say that both these personas, "Meadow" and “waking me,” are now real identities in my psyche, and they're currently in need of integrating.

This is actually supported by some recent dreams I've had, including one where I used an actual selfie of myself as the profile picture for Meadow.

...

I honestly don't know how to proceed. The extreme answer would be to close "Meadow" and start up a new blog, but this feels wrong. I would also then be hiding this other part of myself from other important elements in my life (e.g., my wife), which brings with it its own problems (and I would surely give in after a while and tell her anyway).

For now, what I'll do is just force myself through this feeling. Writing the post is the hardest part, but I know that if I give in to the feeling of discomfort, then I would just be making it stronger.

I think what actually needs to be done (long term) is what I mentioned above: integration. I was actually very well along in this process around the same time I had that dream I linked above. I don't know what happened, though, that stopped the whole process. Maybe because I stopped posting here?

... Perhaps the fact that I'm writing this is itself a sign of this integration process starting up again?

Anyway. I shouldn't forget that the real purpose of these vomits is not to get people to read them. Actually, the purpose is to make a "compost heap" for myself, from which ideas and connections can later spring up. The usefulness (or lack thereof) of these posts for anyone but myself is not even part of the question.

---

Footnotes

1. Even though I know that most of them have zero interest in periodically checking what I write. Still, the idea that they might do it bothers me. ↩