As I write this, I'm in the waiting room of the dermatologist, ready for my appointment. Last time I was here, around two years ago, I remember feeling like I was going to die. My heart was racing like crazy, and my hands felt as if I'd been holding them in an ice bucket for an hour.

(if you feel like you're missing some context, then check out yesterday's post)

Yesterday I mentioned I was feeling calm. Today I still feel calm, though there's some anxiety, of course. It's 10 a.m., and all day I've had this background anxiety that's been very low-level, but enough to have me yawn and stretch every 20 or so minutes.

Now that I'm in the actual “place,” I need to admit my level of anxiety has gone up quite a bit, but it's still not terror. Good for me, I guess!

Whenever I talk about this, I feel a bit silly. Aren't I a grown man? Two kids and a full beard? I think about all the other people in the world who have “real” problems, and I feel a bit ashamed. At the same time, I know that this feeling of guilt is not constructive and only pushes one toward depression. That's why I'm trying to be open about everything here.

It's funny how I'm telling you things I usually don't speak of with others, and yet you can't really glean anything about who I am, except that I'm a human being¹.

Or well… maybe you can tell more about who I am “in my head” than most people I talk to in my daily life.

Anyway… my appointment was set for three minutes ago, which means my name will likely be called any second now.

(if there's something I can say, it's that the place looks a lot nicer this time around. There's even soft, relaxing Christmas music playing in the background! Not sure if they actually changed anything or I'm just letting myself perceive it)

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It's almost 4 p.m. as I write this. The dermatologist visit went great :) She was very friendly and said I didn't have anything to worry about. She even told me I don't need to come back for another two years! Good news.

She did point out that I have a biggish mole on my head and offered to remove it with an electric bistoury, which basically cauterizes as she cuts, so there's no need for sutures. I'm proud of myself that I seriously considered it but eventually decided not to push things. Coming here was a great accomplishment, and I didn't want to traumatize myself.

She said that kind of mole can become “evil,” but it's very unlikely (less than 1% probability). So I didn't think it was worth it. At least not today.

Now my next big “health milestone” is to get a vasectomy! Not sure how that will happen, though. From where I am standing right now, it feels like there's an impassable, invisible wall that blocks me from getting there. Still, better to approach it with baby steps. Maybe I'll do another “benign” visit first? I'm thinking maybe a colonoscopy or an exercise stress test, neither of which has anything to do with needles or bistoury!

(I feel like I might be oversharing here, sorry about that)

After the visit, we did a “family excursion” to my favorite local cafe, and I treated myself to a beautiful, silky latte.

I don't know what sort of black magic they do, but this is seriously the best latte I've ever had, and it's consistently good.

The cafe is owned by a young Chinese couple, and maybe what I taste in the latte is the love and dedication they constantly pour into the place.

…

After that, we went bowling. My 3 y/o can barely lift a ball, but he really loves to play! Of course, he can't throw by himself, so we throw the ball with him.

There was a party while we were there, and they had turned on the “funky lights.” I snapped a picture that turned out quite nice.

But well… I think that's it for today. I feel like yesterday's and today's entries were more “journal-like” than usual. I hope you don't mind. I have to admit this sort of journal entry is fun to do, and I also like sharing pictures! But at the same time, I have no plans to constrain myself to continue doing them. I guess the best way to go about it is to just let them evolve organically.

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Footnotes

1. Or maybe you think I'm an AI? Hard to know these days. Maybe you're the AI? ↩